Ella Jacobs – author

A reader recently reached out to me, asking if it was normal to get turned on by reading the types of books I write—dark, spicy books with dub con and non con. I honestly don’t know why I haven’t addressed this question on my blog before since it’s such an important and relevant topic. I guess I might have been worried about all the potential hate and rage a statement like the one I’m about to make might get.

But then again, simply saying I’m poly, into BDSM, and write dark romance in an Instagram video got me so much hate that I wanted to close my account. So I figure that if people want to hate, they’re always going to find something to spew hate at. So here it is: my two cents on the question “Are you sick for having dark fantasies?”

Background
Before diving deep, I want to explain a little about my background and where I get my information from. About me: I have an academic background, I’ve spent ten years in the BDSM community, and I have had many long talks with a psychologist in the community, who has worked with very sick people for many years (non BDSM related, I should add). He has also read this blog post to make sure what I say here holds ground. 

Given all the above, I feel quite confident in saying that this blog post will provide an informed and sober perspective on this subject.

So, are you sick?
In short, no. You are definitely not sick just because you get turned on by reading dark smut.

If you act upon them in a way that hurts yourself or others, it’s a whole different matter, but just reading about it or practicing healthy, consensual kink does not make you sick. “what many people tend to forget is that there’s a huge difference between fantasy and reality.

Take violent video games, for instance. It’s not so long ago that the world raged about these games, thinking a whole generation of young men would turn into violent criminals. Did that happen? No.

It’s the same with dark romance, really. Just because you read it and it turns you on doesn’t mean that you actually want to experience it in real life.

Fantasy and reality can’t be juxtaposed. Just because you fantasize about something doesn’t mean you want it in real life.

In fact, most people have violent thoughts. If someone says they don’t, there’s a good chance they’re either lying or suppressing them and have a serious problems because of it.

Suppressing emotions
The real danger here is not whether you read dark romance or play violent video games. The real danger lies in suppressing your emotions.

People who actually carry out violent crimes are often ones who have suppressed a lot of things for a very long time—memories, anger, desire, etc. Emotions don’t go away when you suppress them. Think about it as stacking junk inside a small room instead of throwing it out, just cramming it in there over a long time. At some point, the door keeping it all in can’t hold it in anymore. The opening will burst. The same goes for emotions. They need an outlet. And if the emotions are big enough and traumatic enough, it’s bound to cause true harm.

It’s often at this point, when that veneer breaks, that a person snaps. This is where violence happens—not when facing your demons, darkness, or fantasies in a consensual, healthy manner.

Embrace and accept yourself
If you, instead of suppressing and ignoring, embrace and accept yourself—your fantasies, emotions, and desires—you become a much more healthy and balanced human being.

An important point I want to make is that embracing doesn’t mean to act outwards on your emotions or desires. If angry, you shouldn’t yell at a person. Instead, hit a pillow, rip up a newspaper, go for a run, or journal about it—whatever works for you. Once you’ve blown off that steam and embraced the emotion in a healthy and constructive way, you can go talk to the person who has angered you, if relevant and reasonable.

The same goes for dark desires. If too dark to explore in real life, read about them and fantasize. Or explore them through CNC play (consensual non consent) if you have a partner you feel safe with and fully trust.

Rape fantasies are more common than you might think
If the arguments made above aren’t enough to convince you that you/people who get turned on by dark romance aren’t sick, try to Google “how many women have rape fantasies.” Staggering numbers will appear. Some studies show up to 60%, some “only” 30%. But even the low number is so high that you can’t do anything but conclude that it is a normal phenomenon. Many women have rape fantasies.

Again, I stress, that having a rape fantasies is not the same as wanting to be raped in real life. It is a fantasy, and many fantasies should stay just that—a scenario that plays out in the mind.

This is something we talk about a lot in the community—the difference between fantasy and reality—and I guess that’s why I sometimes forget that this is not common knowledge. When you start exploring kink, you quickly learn that something you though would be your biggest kink might not turn you on at all in real life. Even simple things can turn out like that. And seasoned people in the community will (or should) talk to newcomers about this discrepancy and difference between fantasy and reality.

So if you are turned on by the things you read in dark romance books, it does not mean that you would like to experience it in real life or that you’re sick. It doesn’t even imply that you’re weird or different. It just says that you have something in common with many other women.

You are not sick
Dark romance seems to be yet another case of the world being slow to catch up. Elvis, The Beatles, metal music, horror movies, violent video games, etc. all caused outrage and deep concern until they got normalized and people realized the worry was blown way out of proportion. It’s the same for dark romance.

Indeed, there might be people who shouldn’t read this kind of thing or play violent video games, or watch horror movies—people who might get inclined to mimic what they see or read in real life. And that is a very serious matter. But just because a few people shouldn’t do something doesn’t mean that you ban it for the whole world. People who are actually sick and prone to violence can find inspiration anywhere and eschew even seemingly harmless things into deeply concerning things.

If you do have the urge to act upon those fantasies in real life in a way that may cause you or others harm, please seek help.

But if you know reality from fantasy, you have nothing to worry about. Embrace that desire to read those dark romance books and grab your vibrator without shame while you let your mind drift off into those dark worlds.

Would you like to see some real-life examples of how I’ve clashed with “the real world” because of my sexuality and the types of books I write? Then check out my Patreon account and my BDSM tiers, where I have a post called “When the world recoils.”

Subscribe to one of my tiers with BDSM content here: