Ella Jacobs – author

More than two years ago, my boyfriend of ten years and I started exploring MfM play. It became a wild ride that led to me being polyamorous and in two committed relationships. I had never thought poly was for me, but it turned out it wasn’t as much about having two partners, but the way it’s done.

What is polyamory?

I’m not an expert on polyamory lingo, so I’m not going to go into technicalities and explain terms. What I do want to say, however, is that there are so many different ways of being poly. I’m part of the BDSM community, where poly is quite normal, and I’ve seen a lot of different versions of it.

Some people have a primary partner and only see other people sexually/non-romantically, while others have a primary partner and a secondary partner. Some are in threesomes, where all partners are involved in some way. Some are married and have a girlfriend/boyfriend and play partners. Some are free to see whoever they like, and some need to discuss it with their partner first.

And then there are people like me, who have two separate, committed, and equally important relationships and won’t play with anyone else. My boyfriend, S, says that I’m polyamorous in a monogamous way, and as much as it’s an oxymoron, it actually makes a lot of sense. Let me explain why.

Being monogamously polyamorous

In a monogamous relationship, you don’t engage in any kind of sexual or romantic behavior with anyone else. The relationship is (usually) committed, you’re in it for the long run, and you get a very strong emotional bond to your partner. For me, it’s like that, but on two parallel tracks. And the not wanting anybody else part becomes: I don’t want anyone else but S and J. 

Whereas some poly relationships have a primary and secondary partner, I can’t do that. I’m committed to both men, and I could never choose one over the other. 

How can you be committed to two men?

Now you might ask, how is it possible to be committed to two men. And I get that. Often, committed relationships involve kids, marriage, and moving in together. But for me, what makes a relationship committed is how serious you are about the relationship and what you’re willing to do to make it work. 

In short, this is my definition: You want to be with each other in the long run, and you want that person to be an essential part of your life—through all the fun times, bad times, and all the other ups and downs life throws at you. 

Then comes all those things you need to create a foundation for such a relationship: trust, communication, commitment, dedication, compromise, respect, support, and prioritization.

I have all that with each man. Both are very open and honest relationships. We talk a lot about the dynamics and check in with each other to make sure that we’re okay with the way things are, and we prioritize each other in our daily lives, making sure we have time to both go on dates and do fun things together and just spending quiet nights at home, talking and watching TV.

We’re all willing to do the work to make this last. And let me tell you, being poly requires a lot of it. It gets easier over time, but the road to getting to an easy point has been full of bumps, roller coaster rides, and out-of-control carousel rides.

Jealousy

The last part I feel like I need to address in this post is one of the things people worry about the most when it comes to poly. Jealousy. It used to be my biggest misgiving too. But jealousy has not played a big part in my journey to becoming polyamorous.

I’m very lucky in the sense that I have found two men who are perfectly fine with being monogamous. I feel a bit bad for being the only one who’s poly sometimes, but like my boyfriend J says, treating people equally doesn’t always mean treating them the same way.

There’s no one-size-fits-all

I never thought poly would be for me. I tested the waters a bit when I started out in the BDSM lifestyle ten years ago but quickly found it wasn’t for me—not the jealousy, the changing partners part, or the having emotions for two men at the same time part. 

Sometimes, I still don’t like to think of myself as poly because there are a lot of things that are usually part of the term that I could never do. But there’s no right or wrong way of being poly. I found my own way of doing it, and no matter what term or label I use, I’m so very grateful for it.

Read more about my journey into polyamory here:

Opening up a relationship – For the wrong reasons

Opening up a relationship – For the right reasons