Ella Jacobs – author

This is the second part of two blog posts, and it tells the story of how I tried to open up a relationship for the right reasons after having opened up a relationship that ended in a break-up because it was for the wrong reasons. Read the first blog post here.

Two years ago, my Dom and I started talking about exploring my long-time fantasy of MfM play. A year and a half ago, we finally decided that we wanted to try it out. I thought it would be one of those things that we’d take some time working ourselves up to and that it might take at least half a year before something happened.

But then one day, my Dom told me that he’d planned a play date with a Dom we both know from the community.

I was absolutely ecstatic. This had always been a dream of mine – one that I had never imagined would come true. But now here it was, right in front of me.

I was a nervous wreck on the first night. I had no idea what would happen. I hadn’t even talked to the other man about playing together. All negotiation and planning had been between the two men. All I knew was that we’d take it slow, and my Dom had assured me of a few things that wouldn’t happen such as sex.

And not much did happen. Some touching and light BDSM, and both men kept their clothes on the entire time. But God, the rush, sitting there on my knees before two Doms for the first time. It was an amazing night, and over several more play dates, we gradually built the intensity, one step at a time.

In this way, it was similar to the way my ex and I opened our relationship. No sex to begin with, gradually adding on. And like then, I was completely infatuated with this new, exciting thing, and my Dom and I spent a lot of time talking about it just like my ex and I had. But the crucial difference was that my ex had been on the outside of it all, whereas my Dom was at the very center of it, going in alongside me.

The first MfM dynamic came to a natural end after a couple of months because we wanted different things and the chemistry wasn’t quite right. What my Dom and I took away from the experience was that we’d want to explore more and that I needed some kind of connection outside play with the second man. We weren’t sure to what extent, but it was clear that I easily got emotionally attached, playing with something as intense as D/s, and “one-night scenes” wouldn’t work for me. We needed to find someone to play with on a regular basis.

Things were on hold for a few months. Neither my Dom nor I were in a hurry to find someone else. I think we both needed a break. Despite having had a great experience the first time around, there had been a lot of emotional turmoil on my part and severe subdrops (I have two posts about subdrop that I’ll link below). It wasn’t that I hadn’t gotten enough aftercare or anything like that. Submitting to a new man – baring myself like that – was simply scary as hell for me and took its toll on my emotions.

A few months later, we found a new man to play with. The chemistry was off the charts. I had this feeling from the first time we played that something clicked. But in between scenes, I was a mess. Even worse than the first time. Ups and downs. Long and gutting lows. Lots of tears. Whirlwinds of confusion, vulnerability, and worries.

It was even worse than the first time. Again, not because I didn’t get enough aftercare or that we dove in too quick. The man we were playing with was absolutely wonderful, coming to give me aftercare the next day and texting whenever I needed to stay in touch, and generally showing lots of concern for my well-being. No, things were simply worse because they meant more this time. Basically, things were worse because they were better. There was more on the line, which tends to cause a lot of upheaval inside me. I’m the type of person who gets more scared when things are going well than when not.

At some point, I considered whether it was even worth it. A few highs couldn’t be worth days of feeling low and out of sorts? But we gave it some time, I tried to be patient and let things settle within me, knowing myself well enough to realize that time could level the turmoil. And it did, thank God. Especially after we had some talks about this new dynamic and where things were headed.

It did take its toll on my relationship with my Dom. Not because of jealousy or conflicts, but because of all my ups and down and because my Dom spent a lot of energy trying to take care of me without really being able to make it better for me. But even so, the turmoil never felt threatening to our relationship, and I never felt like it was a mistake to go down that road to begin with. Rather, it felt like the next natural step in our relationship. Some people get married, move in together, and have kids. But my Dom and I are a bit of an atypical couple, not wanting any of those things. Instead, we opened up our relationship, and like with all those other important steps in life, we knew it might shake us and we’d run into some bumps on the road. But unlike my first relationship, this one was solid. The first time, I had tried to repair something that was crumbling with something that would shake it up even more, but now I was building on top of a solid foundation.

Read more about subdrop here:

Crashing into Subdrop

https://ellajacobs.com/when-bdsm-hurt