Ella Jacobs – author

I met S—my Dom and boyfriend—seven years ago; he was 48 at the time and I was 23. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would still be together so many years later. Having just gotten out of a relationship, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and the age gap was just too big to warrant a long-term relationship, right?

Well, it turned out not to be.

I’m crazy about S and still find my stomach fluttering when he winks at me or says something funny that really shouldn’t be funny. He’s the person I tell everything to—small and big—and the person who knows me the best. I can’t imagine a life without him and don’t want to.

But when you’re in a relationship with such a huge age gap, you know that one day you will, and that thought is terrifying. But nothing comes without a flipside, and there are so many good things that this is not worth too many worries.

The best thing about age gap

The best things in our relationship doesn’t stem from the age difference—it’s plain and simple chemistry. But I do love the dynamic it creates.

Being in a Dom/sub relationship, the age difference lends some weight to the dynamic. S’s age lends him a certain type of authority. Having that much life experience simply gives you an advantage—more knowledge about yourself and the world and a certain grounding. Of course, all men are different, and you can find fifty-year-old men no more mature than a teenager, but I do believe it’s rare to find the kind of grounding that comes with age in a thirty-year old man.

Another great thing—and I think this holds true for a lot of women who find an older man—is his maturity and responsibility. I came from a relationship with a guy who hadn’t anything figured out, and instead of trying to bring about change, he would play computer games all day. If I wanted him to join me for dinner, I had to warn him forty minutes before, so he wouldn’t start a new game. Going from this to a man with a steady job and a good income, who would insist on enjoying the dinner I’d prepared together, was no less than abso-fucking-lutely wonderful!

Though, finding an older man doesn’t guarantee maturity. I have a friend who dated a guy over ten years her senior, and when people would ask her why she would be with someone that much older, she’d tell them they were the same place in life—they were both studying, trying to figure out what they wanted to do. I get her need to explain, but I don’t really see this as a compliment to the guy and don’t think she ever got the full dating-an-older-man experience with him.

Unlike her, I’d never explain my relationship by highlighting the similarities. S and I are SO different and at very different places in life, yet somehow we are perfectly compatible.

This was difficult for my mother to get when I told her I was seeing someone much older. She was afraid I’d found one of those middle-aged men who’d never grown up. I mean, she took it even worse than when I told her I was into BDSM.

But this was as far from the case as anything gets. S has been married and has kids and had never been in a relationship with more than a five year age difference before me. Though, I get where she was coming from—just watch the movie “Something’s Gotta Give.” Plus, it must be strange as a mother to find out your daughter is dating someone her age, right?

It took a long time before I could talk to her about S without feeling a lingering awkwardness, and this leads me to the worst thing about an age gap relationship.

The worst thing about age gap

For me, there are two parts to the downside of an age gap relationship. One trivial, one less so. Let’s start with the easy part, which is worrying about being judged.

I’m the type of person who tends to veer away from standard norms of living. With many things, this doesn’t bother me—like not wanting kids and spending all my money and time on the risky business of pursuing an author career. With other things—like my age gap relationship and being into BDSM—I worry about what other people will think. I know, I know, you shouldn’t concern yourself about other people like this, but this is easier said than done when it’s an ingrained habit.

So, the hard part… God, I don’t even want to go there. I’m not naïve. I know that one day the age difference will become a problem for one reason or another. I really try not to worry about this because life tends to throw you some curveballs along the way, and I just want to live in the present and enjoy this wonderful thing we have. Who knows? Maybe we’ll tire of each other before the age difference becomes a problem. I’m not the type who thinks too much about happily forever afters—even though I insist on my characters getting them lol. I see myself as more of a serial monogamist, so even though I hate the thought of our relationship ending, this might end up being the way things turn out.

Is it worth it?

Hell, yes. But not because of the age gap. Like everything else in life, this small factor comes with both good and bad, but it’s not what determines whether I want to be with S. I barely even think about the difference when we’re together, and when I do, it’s in this sexy dang, I’ve scored myself a good man way.

An age gap may spur on a relationship if you both are turned on by this dynamic, but in the end, it should be the chemistry that keeps you together. I know that’s the case for S and me.