Ella Jacobs – author

I was doing a read through of “If I Were Yours,” and reading a scene where Clara finally opens up to the two men and lets them know how she feels made me want to do this post. ‘Well done’ I thought, remembering how hard it can be. Especially in a new dynamic.

Having been with my Dom for seven years and having had a lot of practice, I thought I was really good at expressing my feelings and needs. We’re really good at talking, and sometimes it feels like I tell him everything—to the point where it’s almost compulsive. If I have a fantasy I’m embarrassed about, I’ll initially tell myself that I can keep that one to myself—I don’t have to tell him all my fantasies. But then when the fantasy pops back into my mind later in the day when we’re together, I can’t help divulging it. I don’t know if it’s because his possession is so deeply rooted withing me or if it’s a need to share my innermost self with him. But that’s the level of openness I have with him.

But no matter how good I thought I was, I suddenly faced the challenge of sharing some strong emotions and a very urgent need with him.

MfM: Introducing a new man
Half a year ago, we started opening our relationship up to the MfM dynamic, and my Dom had planned a scene with another man.

It was the first time I was with two men, and I was dreadfully nervous, but so damn aroused. The scene was amazing—every bit as good as the fantasy I’d had for years. My Dom had me blindfolded and half naked (wearing lingerie that didn’t cover any of the important parts), and when the other man came, my Dom presented me to him like this.

Nothing crazy happened. The two men watched me and touched me but didn’t even shed their own clothes. But the whole situation of being helpless at the hands of two dominant men, exposed and recieving pleasure from a new man, was overwhelming to say the least. (Not all subs would react so strongly to this, but to me, it’s a very big deal).

I was a very happy little sub at the end of the night, but in the following days, I struggled to cope with the emotions of being bared to a new man like that and crashed into a week long subdrop (I have a separate post about this). My Dom gave me plenty of aftercare, but it wasn’t enough. Because two different men had used me, and my Dom could only cover his part. I needed aftercare from the other man to regain my balance.

Asking for aftercare
I badly needed to be hugged and held by him, but I couldn’t bring myself to confess this to my Dom. Surprisingly, it wasn’t because I was afraid my Dom would get jealous—I knew he’d understand—but because I was afraid to be a burden to the other man. I didn’t want to interrupt him and his probably busy life with my subdrop and need for more aftercare. And maybe there was a part of me that was afraid to get rejected.

I spent three days working up the nerve to tell my Dom. When I finally did, my Dom decided to call the other man and let him know. I was so nervous, but it turned out I wasn’t an inconvenience at all—of course (but rationalization doesn’t always work on a vulnerable submissive mind that has been thrust into new waters).

The other man came the next evening, took me in his arms and held me. It was just what I needed, and it turned out he was happy to do it too. Because even though power and control are a big part of being a dominant, care and protection is part of it too—at least to a good Dom.

But even knowing this, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it, and the fear of asking for what I need and becoming a burden arises anew now that my Dom and I are about to embark on another journey of MfM play with a new man.

Practice doesn’t make easy
I got a lot of practice in opening up during the time my Dom and I played with the first man. Several times, I felt like I laid it all out there and bared my most intimate emotions. With my Dom, that’s okay to do. But in the new dynamic, I felt excruciatingly vulnerable. After all, I was the sub and had no control over what would happen, and the whole situation was very uncertain. Neither of us knew where it would lead or how long it would last. In ways I felt like I gave too much too quick, but BDSM tends to force out strong emotions in no time. It’s often necessary with the things we play with in this lifestyle. And the act of submitting is, in and of itself, an extremely intimate act. At least to me it is.

This is why communication is so incredibly important when playing with BDSM. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Being a submissive at heart, it’s ingrained in me to be the one who submits and not the one who asks for things. In a long term dynamic that I feel safe in, I can usually override this, though, but when a new Dom comes into the picture, it’s like my submissive side goes on steroids, plus insecurities arise, making it even harder. So this is when I need to work extra hard on, Because without good communication, it simply won’t work.